Stages Of Divorce
Marital separation is one of the greatest stresses a person can endure: the separation alone brings about a host of feelings. The change in lifestyle and financial burdens can also create additional stress. The trauma which is inherent in separation has the effect of overloading the parent, making it difficult to attend to the needs of children, who are also experiencing great stress because of the departure of their parent. The absent parent is also experiencing tremendous change. For a time, the single-parent family is overloaded emotionally and unable to meet its own and other people’s needs.
Many people have drawn a parallel between the stages of the acceptance of death, which were identified by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, and the stages of the acceptance of the end of marriage. In order to understand the emotional state of the single parent, we will mention these stages here. Keep in mind that the person does not always experience these stages in a neat, sequential order. Rather, you may go in and out of each stage in random order, often returning to a stage already experienced. Also, these stages may last longer than expected. Since no two people are alike, no two people require the same amount of time to recover from the trauma of marital separation. For one person, the time span may be a year or less, for another, it may be several years.
DENIAL
Whether or not you initiated the separation, you are likely to spend time denying the end of the marriage to yourself, or thinking of new ways to make your marriage work. The full impact of the end of your marriage has not yet hit you, and you still may find yourself using the pronoun “we” instead of “I.” You may feel exhilaration during this stage because you are suddenly free from the strains of an unhappy marriage. You may alternatively feel despair and try to get your spouse to come back. The denial stage may last a long time, as you may have a great deal of difficulty letting go of this relationship which has meant so much to you, even though it might have been a destructive one. There may be several attempts to reconcile before one or both partners decide to permanently end the marriage.
ANGER
Anger is an inevitable and natural stage in the process of divorce. Even if the marriage has been unhappy for some time, the partners are bound to feel angry because of unmet needs and unrealized dreams. The angry feelings often erupt over issues of money and children (custody, visitation, parenting styles), but are usually grounded in issues between the two partners. The individual who claims to have no anger toward their ex-spouse may be internalizing their anger, thus becoming depressed and self-critical. You may blame yourself for the end of your marriage, and thus not recognize your right to be angry. You need encouragement to be able to feel and express your anger.
GUILT
No matter whose primary responsibility the separation was, each partner is likely to feel guilt because the marriage failed. You may feel guilty about the children experiencing the pain of a “broken” home and may blame yourself for not being a good enough spouse, parent, or lover. Even though you may know on an intellectual level and you, your ex-spouse, and the children will ultimately be happier, the guilt you feel is on an emotional level and cannot be explained away. As a result, you may indulge your children more now by buying them things you cannot afford or by giving into their demands against your better judgment. A certain amount of this can be expected soon after a separation, lessening as you being to get the support you need.
GRIEF
When you finally experience the full impact of separation from your marital partner, you will feel a deep sense of grief and loss. You need the opportunity and acceptance from others in order to fully express the sorrow you feel. You must say “goodbye” to the marriage and to your partner, which is a painfully sad process. This is the most important stage for a person to experience in order to reach acceptance, and to begin building a new life. In a group, this stage can best be facilitated by a warm, supportive atmosphere.
ACCEPTANCE
This is the final stage in which you realize that the separation and divorce are final, and that these events were indeed a part of your life. You are ready to move forward in your life towards a new identity and new goals. You may feel some sadness still, but generally your life has stabilized to the point at which you can tend to the needs of both your children and yourself.
In addition to the above stages, other feelings may be experienced by the single parent. These might include fear or anxiety, particularly regarding financial security, being alone, and facing the unknown. Embarrassment stemming from the assumed opinions of others, loneliness as a result of being uncomfortable with your former network of friends, and confusion caused by the overload of so many emotions may also occur. Although acceptance is noted as the final stage, it does not necessarily signify an end point in the process of adjustment.
~Wendy Pegan, Relationship Builder