Rewriting your Relationship Story

{Read in 4 minutes}  As a Couples Therapist and Relationship Coach, I hear many stories about what IS wrong. When I ask what brings people in, most are quick to bring up the issues that provoked their call to action:

-an affair,

-too much drinking,

-spending too much money.

Or more everyday issues such as:

-I don’t like the way he talks to me.

-She always wants to talk about the relationship.

-He makes everything more important than me.

After giving them ample room to explain their discomfort with each other, I ask what they liked about each other when they first met. Most couples hesitate because they have forgotten, or because it requires letting go of their current “story of hurts.”

In most cases, we allow old feelings from the past to invade a new problem and before we know it, we are arguing about things that happened years ago, but feel as if they’re happening now.

Why do we do that?

In cases of affairs, or where trust needs to be built up again, fear of being blindsided keeps us from dealing with the present. If we were surprised and hurt by our partners’ indiscretion, we become fearful of being hurt again — assuming of course, it will happen again. Yet, when another unrelated incident produces that same uncomfortable feeling, we treat it as if it were the same problem because it “feels” as if it is. This becomes a battle between our hearts and our heads. It also becomes self-defining…meaning, this is what I expect from my partner, and therefore IS true, whether or not it is really happening now. I have come to believe that it will…thus I create the reality of today.

In all of these cases we play a victim — not because we want to, but because we never entertained that our partners were capable of inflicting such hurt and now that we know, we believe they will continue to do so.

What happens if we “let go?”

What would happen if you “let go” of any memory from the past and listened to what your partner is saying now? What would happen if you started to believe that your partner would do the right thing rather than the wrong thing? What might happen if we detach ourselves from the old stories and rewrite our lives and our relationships the way we would like them to be?

When I ask that question, what do you feel?  Scared, uncomfortable, sick to your stomach? Or do you feel empowered, alive and excited that you are in control of your own story?

We are all human. When we stop looking for what is right, and focus on old wounds instead, we lose our way, stumble and fall. We might hurt people unintentionally but we should be forgiving and move on. Allowing old feelings to color our current problems is an old story. As long as we do that, our partners can never do right by us and we can never move on.

Isn’t balance the ability to step naturally, without too much thought, into everything larger than our fears, where we can instead feel more confident, less distrusting, more understanding and less critical?

 Rewrite your story, rewrite your life!

Learn how to rewrite your relationship stories and create the relationship you want by attending one of our Facebook Group Workshops or for private Relationship Coaching, call 716-446-9226.