Dear Wendy,

I have been with my partner for 3 years. In the first 2 years, he continually told me that he needed to be sure that I would stay by him. At first I thought he was just scared due to his last relationship. He kept telling me he didn’t want to be “just another guy” that I dated. So for 2 years, I feel I worked at getting his trust. I changed my plans to be with him when he was available to show flexibility, I bought him things for my house so he would feel comfortable, I gave him a key so he would feel welcome, and I invited him to all my family gatherings so he could see I was proud of him. After 2 years, he asked for time off from me around the holidays so he didn’t have to make a decision between going to my family and his. After the holidays, he came back and I was willing let him in, but the first time I had a bad day, and needed him to show me love, he withdraw saying, “See, you can’t be consistent!” Signed ~ Am I crazy.

Dear Am I Crazy,

Only if you stay with him! When you really love someone, you don’t leave them when they are having a bad day, or are sick or can’t give to you.

It sounds like he set you up to fail. It is not uncommon for people to do when they feel threated by real love, something they often can’t give themselves. Often the person who is capable of loving takes on the obligation of the success or failure of the relationship.

When someone is emotionally unavailable, they play games with their “shiny thing” much the way a cat plays with a toy…until something else grabs their attention.

This man sounds fickle and no matter what you did, he made up his mind in the beginning that you would fail. He wanted you to fail, this way he didn’t have to take on any responsibility for the success or failure of the relationship himself. In essence, he made himself “just another guy.”

Love is honoring what you have in another person. It is the comfort of friendship and the excitement of love. If you are feeling more betrayal and rejection than joy and fulfillment, than it is not the relationship for you.

Know and honor yourself first. Then, when you are ready to date, remember that the person you might feel chemistry for shouldn’t have to be what you want them to be. They should be themselves and you get to choose if they are right for you.

Wendy is a relationship and communication expert for couples and family businesses.

Wendy Pegan, MSEd, LMCH, NCC, CCMHC. She can be reached at 716-446-9226.