Dear Wendy,

There are two 2 men who want to be in my life and I am confused as to what to do. The first one is a man who I have been in a relationship with and I feel somewhat addicted to. I love how he makes me feel physically but he doesn’t treat me in a way I believe is right for me. He is suspicious, mistrusting and doesn’t seem to be interested in making me a part of his life. The other is someone I have known for a long time. I don’t love him other than as a friend but he couldn’t be nicer, listens to me and goes out of his way for me. We could talk about anything and he is open and trusting. I want to love him, but I don’t. If I could get the man I am physically attracted to act differently it would be perfect. But I know I can’t make him change. What do I do?

Dear Confused,

First of all, get the word “perfect” out of your language. There is rarely a perfect match, which is why it is not uncommon to be attracted to more than one person at a time. It’s difficult to find everything we want in just one.

Begin with yourself. Ask yourself why you want fellow #1. Is there something he stands for that attracts you? Is there something lacking in you that he has, such as assertiveness or power? If you have tried to speak with him about it, and he says this is the best he can do, then believe him. He should know himself well enough to know whether he wants to change anything about himself. If he is stuck and really wants to makes some changes, don’t underestimate a good therapist who specializes in relationships and trauma. Previous trauma in our lives get keeps us stuck from moving forward and being free from past hurts and wounds.

Your other guy sounds great if you could just get past not being “in love” with him. Is there past history that is getting in the way or perhaps there is just no chemistry. You can’t force a round peg into a square hole.

My suggestion is perhaps neither are right for you. Excuse yourself from both of them, sit down and truly figure out what you want. We don’t often spend time getting to know our true selves and leave the mating dance to fate. Perhaps you are holding on and not getting what you want because you believe you don’t deserve it or because you are afraid you will not find anyone better.

Finding out what is blocking you from making a decision and sticking with it. Have a therapist help you. Write it down, put it on 3×5 cards and say it to yourself every day. Then let it go. It will come to you when you are ready.