Couples and Expectations
{Read in 3 minutes} It is a basic human trait to project our desires and thoughts onto those closest to us. We project our ideals onto other people and we create images of how they should behave in our minds… kind of like a picture book or photo album. Yet, unspoken assumptions and unrealistic expectations commonly sabotage relationships. When an individual has a strong desire to have their partner meet their impossible expectations, they become blinded to who their partner really is.
Where do these expectations come from? Some of the impossible expectations could come from family values, past relationships, past experiences, and other people’s relationships. They shape the way we think about relationships and what we should expect.
Past Relationships — Entering into a new relationship with the expectation that it will be just like the last, whether it was good or bad, won’t work. You are now with someone different than your last partner. Don’t compare or expect them to be exactly like the last one. Or for that matter, exactly the opposite. We are attracted to certain traits that match ours, so it is a good idea to get to know yourself better than you believe you know others. A tool I love that helps people understand themselves better is the Enneagram.
Our Family Values — While growing up, we tend to internalize our family’s beliefs. If you grow up in a family where no one listens or takes the time to be with you, it can lead to thinking that no one cares what you think. This domino effect can lead to the child not saying what they need or feel, and being very disappointed when their family does not automatically figure out how they are feeling.
Now fast forward to a romantic relationship. Feeling unworthy of expressing your needs and feelings leads to resentment and anger but since the other person doesn’t know how you are feeling, there isn’t much they can do about it.
Others’ Relationships — There are so many choices out there today that feed our desire to want better things for ourselves. We see people on TV, online, even our Facebook friends. They seem like they have it all and suddenly you want what they have. The problem is you don’t actually know what they have. Yes, you see it from the outside and it looks nice but everything looks nice when you are on the outside. People with money have problems. People without money have different problems.
Not all expectations are bad. There are many that can really help a relationship, such as:
- What we would like to do with our future
- Values we find attractive in each other and would expect those to remain as we get older
- Safety and Trust
The important thing in understanding how expectations fit in is that you have to talk them out with your partner.
Communicate — Come to a decision together as to what expectations seem reasonable and which seem completely impossible.
Be Honest About What You Want — Hopefully, it is reasonable and you can express it without attacking or blaming.
Give Your Partner a Break — They are thinking about just as many things as you are, and they are not usually feeling the same feelings you are at the same time.
Discuss your expectations of your relationships prior to a commitment. It’s important that you realize you are not alone in what goes on inside your head.
If you are interested in learning more about the Enneagram, and how it can help you and your relationships with expectations, contact us at 716-446-9226 or check out our website at www.creativerelationshipcenter.com.