“HUH?” A family guide to understanding each other.

Deep understanding needs clear communication.  Strong communication skills help all family members connect losely and grow together.

Communication is the core of all relationships. But communicating well is difficult. Especially within the multigenerational dynamics of the family. It’s too often frustrating and even destructive. But Creative Communications can actually enhance relationships and strengthen families. Creative Communication demands a new set of attitudes and tools, and a deep understanding of its dynamics and objectives. Let’s start with a clear definition of “creative communication”:

Shared: all of the people communicating have a responsibility toward its successful outcome. They each play their part in the process, and take their turn giving and receiving information. Some of that information is intellectual  (data) and some is emotional.
Process: creative communication isn’t a single event; it’s a series of conversations and interactions over a period of time. That includes the past exchanges (positive and negative) as well as the future goals of the relationship. Without this understanding, we too often try to win a short term battle at the expense of the long-term relationship.
Mutual understanding: In creative communications, the goal is understanding, not convincing, persuading, or “winning.” All the participants need to not just be understood, but to feel understood. You need an open ear, open mind, and open heart. It demands a big picture, long term perspective. Required skills include active listening, and reality checks.

1. Work toward mutual understanding. If our goal is to win, dominate, and be “right” we can’t connect closely and build long-term, loving relationships.
2. Establish safety zones and time-out procedures. This is the nurturing soil in which relationships flourish. It establishes trust and boundaries, without which there can be no real communication. If I don’t trust you, I don’t believe you. If I don’t feel safe, I’ll avoid you, flee, or fight. When emotions boil, time-outs turn down the heat. Before communicating, agree on prearranged signals to retreat, and honor them. Use the time to recompose yourself. Time-outs should be used to strengthen communication by removing or reducing the emotional heat of the moment, and not as a continual avoidance tactic; it’s also important to agree on time-in procedures so that important issues don’t remain unresolved.
3. Be aware of your intent. Is it to lecture, or listen? Short-term gain or long-term growth?
4. Honor different opinions. Agreeing isn’t the same as understanding. Learn to disagree respectfully, and to focus on what you do agree on.
5. Honor and respect different communication styles. Listen more to what is being expressed rather than how it’s expressed. Understand the difference between dialogue and monologue.
6. Use “I” messages. “I feel ___ when _____.”
7. Learn how to handle difficult, heated issues. It’s difficult, but essential. Not addressed, these issues fester and destroy relationships.
8. Take reality checks. Make certain that what is sent is clearly received by stating back what you believe you heard – and be open to clarification

~Wendy Pegan, Relationship Builder