7 Traits of Successful Couples
{Read in 5 minutes}
- They truly listen.
You may not really hear what is being said, but rather what you think was being said. Our minds tend to fill in the gaps of what we did not hear. We seem to have voices in our heads giving us permission to not pay attention.
- “Here we go again.”
- “I’ve heard this one before.”
- “This isn’t as important as what I have to do right now.”
- “He/she is taking too long to get to the point.”
…the list is endless. We finish their sentences for them just so we don’t have to listen too long.
Try to listen past the anxiousness, fear or annoyance that might be going on. There is nothing more intimate than being heard.
- They learn their partner’s “Love Language.”
Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a number of books on love languages for men, women, and children. We measure how much someone loves us by the ways they show us. It’s pretty easy to figure it out. Just watch your loved one to see how they try to please you.
- Do they fill your car up with gas or do your laundry? They are performing acts of service.
- How about showering you with gifts?
- Wanting to spend time with you?
- Complaining that you don’t touch them enough, or enjoy their touch?
- These are the Languages of Love.
- They tell their partner what they want… and eliminate misperceptions!
Most of us keep these ideas locked up in our heads. We fantasize about the perfect dates, anniversaries, proposals, dinners, lovemaking sessions, but we don’t verbalize them because we fear we will sound silly or selfish or will simply be rejected. Unfortunately, we might tell everyone on Facebook and Twitter, but we keep our partner in the dark. Taking the chance by telling them what we would like goes a long way and is healthier than complaining or feeling rejected and unloved. Using words like…”I really like it when you…”, or I feel threatened or sad when you…”, allows for your partner to participate in a more meaningful conversation.
4. They emphasize appreciations, affirmations, and gratitudes.
If you do nothing else, keep this tool in your toolbox at all times. Nothing…I mean nothing, is more satisfying than to hear you are appreciated or noticed for your contribution to the marriage and your partner’s life. If you are not good at noticing things your spouse has done for you, stop everything you are doing and imagine life without them. What does it look like? Be sure to express your gratitude now, while you still can. It will amaze you how it can change your day and your life.
- They do not use the “D” word.
By “D”, I mean threaten to leave or Divorce. Instead, they create space and allow for silence. If you feel as if you are ready to throw in the towel, you have gone too far. Take time, create your space, find somewhere to breathe and let go. Silence is sacred, so is space. Push the STOP button and retreat to your corners but with the promise of coming back to the issue later. Creating space allows us to come back to the conversation more comfortably and openly, usually with more consideration for our partner’s feelings.
6. They forgive…and ask for forgiveness.
In Covey’s words, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” When we are triggered with anger, we can say things we don’t mean. Learning to apologize can be difficult if you were forced to say it as a child but didn’t know why. In the Hawaiian prayer, Ho’o Pono Pono, we say,
- “I’m sorry,
- Please forgive me,
- Thank you, and
- I love you.”
They are by far the four most under-used yet profoundly powerful statements anyone can make in times of distress.
7. They grow personally AND together as a couple.
Dream, grow and fly. When you are happier and more fulfilled as an individual, you will be as a couple, too. When growth is stunted, it is usually due to fear, jealousy, and self-doubt. A life full of fear and anger is a long life indeed. Consider it a gift to yourself and your lover to grow into the best possible you!