By Wendy, The Creative Relationship Coach©

For private coaching, consultations, workshops and other articles, please contact Wendy@CreativeRelationshipCenter.com.

I remember waking up my son for school one day. I knocked on his door and gently pulled his covers down as I whispered, “Wake up.”

“I’m not going to school today.” He pulled his covers up over his head.

“Why? Are you sick?”

“No, I just hate school,” he said with a sob. I looked at my watched and my stomach turned. “Not today,” I thought. I had too many appointments scheduled back to back. I needed to turn this around fast. I told Ryan we’d talk about it at the breakfast table, thinking we’d be a little further ahead if he just got dressed and out of bed.

Ryan told me a couple of things he didn’t like about school. Nothing I hadn’t heard before, and I listened as I hastily packed his lunch. We talked a little more in the car and I promised him it would be better today. But if not, we would talk about it that evening.

Happy with my accomplishment of getting him dropped off at school, I went about my day seeing clients and listening to their concerns. That evening, Ryan seemed happy, busy doing homework and playing. He didn’t appear to be suffering as he had that morning so I didn’t push it. The next day, it started again, only this time the complaint was “I have no friends and everyone laughs at me.” My heart broke. Could that be true? Again, we went through the routine. Feeling sad and frustrated myself, but determined to nip this in the bud, I arranged a playgroup after school to watch Ryan in action. The friends all got along and I felt good that Ryan was happy and appearing not at all friendless.

Good, I thought. That problem solved!

But the next day, it started all over. Armed with the fact that Ryan had played with friends yesterday, I was convinced it wasn’t about friends. What was going on?

“Can I stay home today?” he pleaded.

“No, Ryan. We need to figure this out. When you get home today, we will talk, OK?” But by the time I picked him up from school it was too late. Ryan took one look at me and had a meltdown. Sobbing in front of all his friends and their parents, Ryan just wanted to get out of there. We hustled to the car and my mind was racing. “What could be happening? Was there a bully in school? Was he being picked on?” The drive seemed to take forever while my son cried and I wanted nothing more than to hold him and take it all away.

When we arrived home, I lead Ryan to the living room where I sat down and looked at him. “Ryan, tell me what is happening for you? Tell me please. I want to help you.”

My son looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes filled with tears and yelled at me in a voice he had never used before. “I’ve been trying to tell you all along, but you aren’t listening to me! You never listen to me!” He ran into his room and slammed the door.

Stunned, I just sat there feeling shocked, angry, frustrated all at once. Hadn’t I been trying to listen to him? I listened to people all day; I’m a therapist! That’s what I do! How could he say that to me? I sat very still as I listened to my son cry for what seemed to be an eternity. My heart broke. Somehow I had not heard what he was trying to say.

MOST PEOPLE DON’T REALLY KNOW HOW TO LISTEN.

After reflecting on the conversation we had the last three days, I realized I had not really listened to my son. What I did was give him some time with my agenda in charge. I didn’t have time, or I simply needed him to conform to my day. I wanted him to have friends so I arranged it. I didn’t want him to feel bad so I wouldn’t feel bad. But I wasn’t even clear as to what he was feeling! I had simply guessed instead of asking and accepting his feelings as real and acceptable.

This story could be about a conversation between a spouse, parent or other family member. It could even take place in the workplace. Most people believe a conversation is two people talking or rather one says something followed by someone saying something else. But very few of us really know HOW to listen.

All too often our agenda gets in the way. Whether it’s because we feel defensive, irritated, or rushed as I felt with my son. When we don’t listen well, people will let us know, particularly children. They will:

·         Tell us

·         Ignore us

·         Act out in some way

·         Become accident prone

·         Lie

·         Exaggerate

·         Become irritated and hard to get along with

What kind of listener are you….or your spouse? How do you model listening for your children?

In order for you to really understand how important a skill listening is, let’s back up a little by giving some examples of how it feels when we’re not listened to. Think about the last time you were talking with someone and you felt that other person just wasn’t listening. Perhaps they were talking over you, or didn’t hear what you were saying, or kept interrupting you so they could get out what they wanted to say.

How did you feel? Frustrated? Angry? Sad? Helpless? How about hopeless?

That’s what my son was feeling when he had his meltdown. He needed me to put down the dishes, stop looking at my watch, have a seat and give him my attention. In the end it would have cost less in time and would have been more valuable then rushing him through an answer that I didn’t want to hear.

FAMILY STORIES

A young mother called me because she believed her daughter was showing signs of an eating disorder. As we proceeded to schedule her next appointment, Mom told me she could only schedule every other Friday because they were booked every day with something to do, most of which were activities for her daughter. I ask the daughter how she felt about being so busy since they were here for her “problems.”

“I hate it,” she burst out.” My stomach hurts all the time, and I have to get up earlier to do my homework because I get home so late. I don’t ever get to watch my favorite show on TV or play with my friends anymore.” After a few more intensities, she looked at me and said “You’re the first one to ask me what I think or how I feel about all this stress.” In this case, I believe all this child was learning was how to be stressed. Perhaps she was also learning if she didn’t do these things, Mom might not be happy with her choices.

I asked Mom if she heard her daughter? “Yes,” she said. “BUT … if she doesn’t try different things, how will she know what she wants to do in life?” Interesting perspective. I too wanted to introduce many things to my children so they could make more informed decisions in life, but it appeared as if the daughter already knew what she wanted right now and that was to not be so hurried. Mom had in fact heard her daughter, but she wasn’t listening to what she was saying. In this case Daughter was saying she was overspent and needed some down time. She was also saying she wanted to please Mom and was willing to pay the price of a stomachache to do it.

Was Mom being mean or doing what she thought was best? What was it like for Mom to send her daughter to school every day with a stomach or headache? What could have happened if she listened and assisted her daughter in working out a plan that was less stressful for her?

This was a great example of how we hear, but don’t listen to what is being said or – in children’s cases – don’t give them the credit for knowing what they want for themselves or how they feel. I have seen many children become depressed, anxious, addicted or even suicidal over not being heard. Our society is quick to give medication to children for stomachaches and headaches, anxiety and depressive disorders. We begin to rely on medications to get through the stress of the day.

In a more recent session with two adult women and their mother struggling to communicate better, I listened and watched as Mom appeared to be getting more and more frustrated. She continually repeated herself but to no avail. I asked them if I could perhaps “turn the Rubik’s cube” of perception and they agreed. I brought up to the daughters what I had heard Mom say, as well as my observations about her emotional pattern and how that might play into her communication style. Mom looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “I am 57 years old and no one has ever described me as well as you just did.” It wasn’t magic; it was listening at a deeper level. At this point, the daughters could see their mom in a different light, and hear her hopes and dreams rather than feel defensive about her opinions. Communication had begun.

In families where true listening is going on, children believe that what they have to say is important. That leads to more empowered and resilient children. Children begin to trust themselves more and have a better understanding about who they are.

SO HOW DO WE LISTEN TO CHILDREN IN ORDER TO BE MORE EFFECTIVE PARENTS AND HELP TEACH OUR CHILDREN TO GROW UP AND BECOME MORE RESILIENT PARTNERS IN LIFE?

I asked my children one day, all different ages, what they felt was the most important part of a parent child communication. Unanimously they agreed; respect and acceptance. Respect what I have to say and accept that I know how I am feeling. Seems as if that is true in all our relationships.

Here are some guidelines that will dramatically improve your relationships:

Listening takes courage: the courage to hear what others have to say, even if you fear it, or want to save someone from the mistakes you think they might make. It requires paraphrasing (simply rephrase in your own words the key points your partner is trying to make – what the other person has said and not worry about getting it wrong. The other person (even a child) will let you know if you got it wrong. There is no room for pride in this conversation. Keep trying until the other person agrees with what you heard. If you are right, they will know instantly if you understood.

Listening takes strength. The strength to put down the book, the dishes, the meal, the phone, the computer, to turn around and look at them with openness and silence. The strength to put their agenda before yours. This is NOT a multitask time. It is their time and it may only take a few minutes, but the repercussions from not listening could last days or even years.

Listening takes practice: don’t expect yourself to be perfect and they will know you don’t expect the same from them: to open yourself up to the wonderful, brilliant human beings that they are. To be interested in how they see the world and not judge them for their differences. Expect yourself to make mistakes, but keep trying and you will get it.

ASKING “BRAVE QUESTIONS.”

In his book Brave Questions, Dr. Alan Zimmerman believes that all relationships are strengthened by asking the “right” questions. Sadly, most of the time we simply don’t know what questions to ask so we ask nothing, as I did when I let my son’s good mood change my mind on whether to question his concerns from the morning.

Brave questions can be asked in all relationship, at home and in the workplace. You never know what is happening in the people’s lives unless you ask them. Taking the time to develop relationships with anyone helps to bring out their best, as well as being there to help them when needed. Here are some sample questions for you to ask:

·         What do you consider to be your greatest success?

·         What would a perfect day, life, marriage be like for you?

·         What are you most afraid of life?

·         In what way do you believe you might not succeed?

·         What would that look like?

In my son’s case, I could have asked, “What could I do to help you make the most out of school?” “How do you see yourself making friends? What do they like to do? What do you like to do together?” “How can I help you make that happen?”

Let me know how you made out. Email me at wendy@CreativeRelationshipCenter.com. (716) 998-4611.

For private Relationship Coaching, consultations, workshops, tools, tips and other articles, please contact wendy@CreativeRelationshipCenter.com, or visit www.CreativeRelationshipCenter.com.